Welcome back to Graps and Claps… kind of.
Chief Grapper and Clapper Andrew Ogden originally hired me as the #GrimsbyGraps Correspondent. And already you’re thinking, “What the hell’s a Grimsby?” Inspired by an article on The Gaslight Anthem in which “people will only remember five things about any band”, here’s the same thing but for a moderately-sized town in Lincolnshire:
- John Hurt went to the local art college.
- Everyone thinks it’s “near Manchester” (it’s 110 miles away).
- Ian Huntley’s hometown.
We’ve also had a curious boom in professional wrestling over the last year. British Wrestling Revolution (BWR) have advertised their product well since forming last summer from the ashes of Grimsby Wrestling Alliance. For one, I actually hear about these shows before they happen. I remember in 2016 when I was made aware of a show after El Ligero tweeted he had enjoyed his match in Grimsby (and the other nine towns he wrestled that day). For two, they have brought in noteworthy talent from the UK scene at opportune times – don’t expect 1PW-levels of import stupidity from these guys.
Tonight’s #GrimsbyGraps was BWR’s Underground 1, a smaller show at Lucarly’s in Humberston. The Underground branding matches the cards: giving guys typically lumped into the “Get the Lads on the Card” clusterfucks at the Cleethorpes Memorial Hall shows a chance to shine.
But first, I started the day’s adventure at my favourite place in the whole wide world: my bed. Another 4:30am alarm had truly knackered me, so as Mr Sunshine blasted outside, I put on my zebra eye-mask and enjoyed some much-needed zzzzz. Once I woke up, it was straight to my second favourite place in the world: the kitchen. With a £3.50 Goodfellas frozen pizza waiting for me after the show, I devoured two Linda McCartney mozzarella burgers (£1.50 from ASDA). My threat of going full vegetarian has stalled in recent weeks owing to gym gainzz, but I much prefer these to the ones made of carcass. Then I sat in my skivvies until 20 minutes before bell time and drove straight to the venue.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly why Andy won’t allow me to report on the bigger indies.
At Lucarly’s, then, while the temperature uncomfortably soared (more so as the chair layout squeezed everyone in), here’s what went down at #GrimsbyGraps:
Tom Weaver returned after he missed Dive and Kicking against Will Kroos (accompanied by Reese Ryan). Kroos spent a good while trolling the ref by breaking the 10 count; clobbering Weaver around the ring. The local favourite though got back into what was a tidy match – casually hitting a Canadian Destroyer for the hell of it. Kroos looked assured of victory before Ryan convinced him to fly off the top rope to stick it to the high-flying Weaver. He missed, and Weaver hit the Shooting Star Press for the win.
Tom Weaver got on the microphone and entered himself in the Mr #GrimsbyGraps in the Bank ladder match at BWR’s One on July 6th.
Up next, Hart Dungeon graduate Scotty Rawk teamed with Cole Quinzel against Sons of Ulaid (Rory Coyle & Erin Jacobs) in a Tag Team Tournament match. Rawk ‘n Cole valiantly tried overcoming the size difference, including two arsehole-clenching dives to the outside which were an inch away from disaster. However, Sons of Ulaid beat them senselessly… and got so excited at choking their victims that the referee disqualified them. Not that they cared. SHAFT (Matt Myers & Kelvin Kayton) made the save.
On the mic: Myers is sure SHAFT will meet Sons of Ulaid again each and every show, always in sexy and more exciting ways. Meanwhile, Rawk ‘n Cole face GBH (Kip Sabian and Robbie X) in the Tag Tournament finals at One.
Ring Announcer: “Is anyone else warm in here?”
Ring Announcer: “Well, it’s only going to get hotter as…”
In the first-half main event, Matt Myers returned to face GBH’s ‘Powerhouse’ Blake. Blake was a last minute replacement for BWR Cruiserweight champion Kip Sabian, and on the microphone promised Sabian will give Myers a shot at the belt someday in the non-committal future if he beat Blake. Myers and Blake had my match of the night as it descended into a brawl around the oven-baked Lucarly’s. Favourite moments included Blake selling a bump on the floor by quietly exclaiming: “Ow my arse, right on my arse”. Then Blake became a hero as he lawn-darted Myers into the fire exit door, which stayed open, giving us fresh-air. In the ring, Blake delivered a devastating blockbuster for a two-count. But when he accidentally knocked the ref over, the GBH-instincts kicked in as he needlessly grabbed the ring bell. The cheating failed – the ref took it off him, and he ate two Stunners that gave Matt Myers a big victory.
Intermission. I bought front row tickets for the BWR One show at £20 a pop. It wasn’t the wisest decision by management to form the queue next to the only available toilets due to private functions elsewhere in the building. I haven’t been this barged into since I went to see Slipknot. Second show in a row for a £2.50 Coke too!
However, I am sad to report, with the usual lady too busy selling One tickets, the raffle has been postponed until next month. The ring announcer promised a “double raffle”. I will win those two foam fingers, damn it.
Kicking off the second half, Little Miss Roxxy faced Lana Austin’s Grimbo Bessies Eliza Roux and Jami Sparx in a handicap match. Roxxy is very popular, receiving the most chants of anyone on the card. She handled the numbers game perfectly – executing a John Woo and a double Coup de Grâce in the corner. Roux and Sparx nearly won, but when Sparx accidentally hit Roux with an enzurgi, Roxxy bridged her for the victory. Good stuff from all three competitors.
Next, out came the VIP champion Reese Ryan, trained at the Milan Fashion Style Academy (this one’s probably true), for his open invitational. Ryan asked everyone to get out their mobile phones because… (long pause)… he’s now on ALL social media platforms. Of all the local-ish wrestlers, Reese Ryan is by far the most entertaining. I always chuckle when he’s out there pratting around.
Jimmy Mcilwee answered the challenge. He put up an okay effort but Reese Ryan finished him off cleanly in under 5 minutes with a double undertook DDT. Afterwards, Simon Lancaster attacked Mcilwee for taking “his” spot on the card. Mcilwee’s friend Harry ‘the Hammer’ Winston made the save and, uh oh, here comes the swerve. Winston screamed at Jimmy for “mugging him off” and pummelled him. Winston and Lancaster walked up the ramp together. With Jimmy laid out in the ring, here came St John’s Ambulance to treat him.
Andy, get working on a chant for St John’s Ambulance, thank you.
Main event time. You can stick your Fight Club Pro and Riptide up your arse, we had Joseph Conners defending his World #GrimsbyGraps Championship against “As Seen on Freesports” Jack Jester (w/ some poor sod’s car spring). Jester got on the microphone and complained that after being stuck on a train for 6.5 hours, he’s disappointed his destination was Grimsby. Where’s the lie? Jester demanded this match is fought under no holds barred, falls count anywhere rules.
Brawl o’clock again as Conners and Jester quickly went outside. Conners jumped back in the ring to execute a tope suicida… with Jester stood right in front of me. I had nowhere to go so I spent the next thirty seconds looking around awkwardly as Jester sat on my lap, ending my week of the weirdest interactions with Scottish wrestlers. Joseph Conners took Jester to the back of the room and shouted at us, “hey, shall we go outside?” Absolute legend. Into the cool summer’s evening we went, where Conners met his greatest foe: Traffic Cone.
Back inside (boooo), Conners ate a drop toe hold into a banquet chair. He regained momentum with a slingshot DDT. This caused Jester to retrieve the car spring, from a Vauxhall Astra I believe, and take a swing. He missed; lifted up in the Don’t Look Down that saw Conners retain the World #GrimsbyGraps Championship. Notably, Jack Jester looked hurt, tightly holding onto his shoulder and leaving ASAP.
Conners took the microphone and said he had unfinished business with ‘The Bruiserweight’ Pete Dunne. This generation’s Jody vs Jonny was set to happen again on July 6th at BWR’s One but the ring announcer asked Conners to look at the big screen. There, in a neat video package, it showed Joseph Conners vs. Pete Dunne….. vs. (long pause)… Jimmy Havoc…
…vs. Traffic Cone!
No, wait, sorry, turns out Traffic Cone has just reported to the NXT Performance Center. So the main event of the big anniversary show will be a triple-threat match for the title. Along with the multi-man ladder match, it’s set to be another cracking card.
I quickly left the venue to beat traffic. On the way I walked past a medic who had just pulled up. His colleague said: “I’ve just checked him out. All I can feel is cramp but he says…” Out of earshot but in the knowledge that Jack Jester is probably okay, I went home, ate the aforementioned Goodfellas pizza, and relived Michael Schumacher winning the 2000 Driver’s Championship on Sky Sports F1.
Thanks for reading. Our Andy will be back throughout the weekend with Real Graps and Actual Claps. Until next time….BYE!